Two years ago at around this time, I shared some thoughts on how to navigate challenging conversations over the holidays. As many of us prepare to perhaps gather with family (biological or chosen) for the first time since then, I wanted to share some thoughts about how to approach these gatherings after a period of so much change.
Challenging conversations may not ever go away, but how we show up in them may have changed, and so it’s worth revisiting here.
How we communicate with intention can make them positive experiences, rather than just something we endure.
A DIFFERENT MINDSET
Start with the idea that communication is more about the relationships we build than the words we speak. Certainly words and precision with language matters. But what matters more is viewing how we communicate as a way of seeking to find common ground with those we communicate with – whether at the Thanksgiving table, over FaceTime, or over text.
It’s less about pushing out an idea or getting something off your chest, and more trying to do our best to help people hear what we want them to hear. That requires being honest, brave, and vulnerable, which can be especially hard when it comes to family or relatives.
The political landscape has changed, and many of our own relationships with health and family have changed. The last 18 months has shown a spotlight on how important it is to be more explicit about communicating and gathering, in ways we maybe took for granted previously.
This time has also made many of us reflect in a more purposeful way about what matters, who matters, and how we want to show up. And it’s given us permission to be more direct and explicit in ways we never were, or never had to be, before. And it’s forced us to, in some ways, go back to basics for how we listen, speak, and show up around others.
NEW TIPS
Start with gratitude. Recognizing what you’re thankful for, naming it for yourself explicitly, has been proven to create more of a sense of safety, comfort, and connection with others. And it's infectious.
Frame conversations as debates rather than disagreements. A debate signals that you’re open to changing your mind and open to feedback, which encourages others to be in conversation with you. Framing a conflict as a disagreement is more likely to feel personal and make us feel threatened and defensive, which shuts conversations down.
Agree to terms of the debate. If you’re hosting a gathering, it’s ok to communicate directly in advance what topics of conversation are off limits. And, make an effort to set expectations explicitly for what you want the conversations or the gathering to feel like. This could include having topics or questions ready and initiating these conversations early in your gathering.
Be clear about - and share - the reasoning behind your decisions. Many of us are making choices based on our health, which is personal and in many cases private. Maybe someone isn’t invited to Thanksgiving because she or he hasn’t been vaccinated. Maybe we don’t feel comfortable traveling or don’t want to participate. Whatever it is, the last 18 months has given us permission to be more direct and communicate our choices less out of a sense of obligation and more out of what we feel comfortable with for us and those closest to us. When we do, try to explain the rationale behind your decision. This helps people feel like your choices are not purely personal, and even if others may disagree, help them to understand and still respect where you are coming from.
Center yourself. The simple act of pausing, taking a deep breath, has a direct effect on calming your nervous system and helping pull yourself out of the fight/flight mode that many of us default to in challenging situations. Before you arrive, before you speak, try to name how you’re feeling, what position you’re starting from, and name how you want the best version of yourself to show up.
For my part, I’m excited to be hosting 10 of my closest friends in my home for Thanksgiving dinner next week. We are going to have a variety of dishes, some traditional and some less so, many vegetarian-friendly, and we’ll play a few games. I am really grateful to be able to gather again together in my home, and for so many blessings in my life -- those I see and those I don't.